Love's Labours Lost in Space/Transcript
['''Scene': Restaurant. Leela sits at a table with a date, a man called Doug.]'' Leela: This place was a great choice. The food is amazing. And such generous portions. Doug: You like the meal just wait until you try these after-dinner mints. Leela: You know, Doug, most guys are put off by my eye. It's nice to finally meet someone who's open-minded. gaze across the table into each other's eyes. Without averting his gaze, Doug slips out a long pink tongue and licks up the mint. Ew! :Credits. Caption: presented in BC [Brain Control where available.] :['''Scene': Planet Express: Kitchen. Amy, Leela and Fry stand around drinking coffee.]'' Fry: What was wrong with your date last night? Leela: I don't know. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Possibly his vile lizard tongue. Amy: You're too picky. Fry: Yeah. If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an explosive violent temper, of course you're gonna be lonely. Leela: There's nothing wrong with having high standards. Now can we please stop-- :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy, Fry and Leela walk in. The others are sitting around the table.]'' Zoidberg: The female Leela's problem is purely medical. Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch and all will be well. :Leela and Fry sit down. Amy: You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later you realise he actually has a really good body. Leela: Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is. Bender: That sounds like a cry for help. Amy: Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people. Hermes: The Federal Sex Bureau. Bender: A saucy puppet show. Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale. Amy: Hmm, I'll pick! :['''Scene': The Hip Joint. A nightclub on -esque stilts with hovering platforms and strobe lighting. Everyone except Fry is wearing outfits with grooby rings.]'' Amy: Oh, wow! It's totally retro! Fry: Why's everyone wearing those rings? Amy: Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore! Rings are stupid! Fry: I think they look cool. Amy: Sh! Don't let anyone hear you say that! Man: Hey, did that guy just say rings are cool? Amy: Nope, he said they're stupid. :man thumbs-ups. Man: Cool! :Lapse. Leela, Amy and Bender sit at a table with drinks. Amy: So what do you think of that guy by the bar? Leela: I don't know. Maybe? Bender: Forget it, he's gay. Leela: What? How can you tell? Bender: I just know these things. I've got what they call gaydar. Leela: There's no such thing. Bender: No? pulls out a machine with a small antenna on it from his chest cabinet. The antenna swivels around. OK, I got a lock on him. machine beeps. Yep! He's gay! Amy: Are you sure? Bender: Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference from a gay weather balloon. :talks to a woman at the bar. 21st-century girl: You're from the 20th century? That's incredible! I'm from the 21st century. Fry: No way! We've got so much in common. 21st-century girl: We sure do. Remember when those cyborgs enslaved humanity? Fry: Uh, yeah! That rings a bell. :at the table, a well-built man has joined the others. Amy: This is Bolt Rolands. Bolt is a hyper-sled racer with 10 wins on the pro-circuit. Bolt: Hello, beautiful! Bender: whispering I think she means 10 wins on the gay circuit. :chuckles. Bolt: I wish! Those cats can really fly. :sits alone at the bar. He tries to pick up a drink but his claws just knock the glass over. He folds his arms and sulks. A lobster in a tank catches his eye and he stares and smiles, lovestruck. At the table, a green cloud hovers where Bolt was. Amy: This is M5438, an entity of pure energy. Leela: That's great, really, but he's just not what I'm looking for. M-5438: I understand. One day you will evolve beyond your physical body, and on that day I hope you will pick up the phone. :flies away. Amy sighs. Amy: You're impossible. :gaydar beeps. Bender: Just as well; I think he comes from a dimension that's big on musical theatre. :['''Scene': Outside The Hip Joint. Everyone is leaving: Amy with M-5438, Zoidberg with the lobster and Fry with the 21st century girl. Bender is already outside.]'' Fry: Pst. I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet show. :hands Bender some cash. Bender: Can do! :['''Scene': The Hip Joint. Leela is the only person left in the room. A janitor passes by her table, sweeping.]'' The Hip Joint janitor: My, my, my! What's a beautiful lady like you— looks up. Oh, my! Eurgh! I'm sorry, I thought you had two eyes. :runs off. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Meeting Room. It's the next morning and everyone sits around the table drinking coffee.]'' Bender: So, Leela, you must have had your pick of the litter last night at closing time. Leela: Could you guys please stop talking about my personal life? Farnsworth: Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal life later. But right now we have business to attend to. Fry: A delivery? Farnsworth: No. A tax-deductible mission of charity. :flicks a switch, the lights dim and a translucent holographic image of a planet is projected over the table. Computer Voice: This is Vergon 6. Farnsworth: This is Vergon 6. Amy: sarcastic Buh! Farnsworth: It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals. Leela: Animals? Farnsworth: That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds. :dark matter fill the planet. Leela: Wait! What about the animals? Farnsworth: Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow. :holographic dark matter dwindles to nothing. Leela: Yes, but what about the animals? Farnsworth: The wha? Leela: The animals. Farnsworth: I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals. Leela: So we have to bring back two of each kind. Just like . Bender: Why two? whispers something to him. Oh! :giggles. :['''Scene': Ships Cockpit. The ship is en route to the planet. Bender and Fry sit on opposite sides of the cocpit. They lean across to talk.]'' Fry: I bet you Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye. Bender: That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes, then poke one out. Fry: Yeah, that'd be a timesaver. :is sat right behind them. Leela: Do you mind? Bender: Here you go. pulls out a fork. You can use this as an eye-poker. Leela: Thank you. But I don't care how many eyes a man has ... as long as it's less than five. All I'm looking for is a guy who's adventurous, self-confident... :['''Cut to': Space. The ship flies on.]'' Leela: ship ...maybe a snappy dresser. :the ship flies away, a large ship, the ''[[Nimbus], flies over the top.]'' :['''Cut to': Nimbus Bridge. The captain, Zapp Brannigan, stands admiring himself while his first officer Kif sits to his left. They both wear red uniforms. Kif is a spindly little green alien and Zapp's physique is dominated by a large, poorly-contained gut.]'' Zapp: These new uniforms are pretty snappy, eh, first officer? Kif: I suppose, Captain. I'm not as big a fan of velour as you are. Now what do you want to do about that unidentified ship? :Planet Express ship flies across the viewscreen. Zapp: Destroy them! he raises his arm he flexes his muscle. He stops to feel it. Mmm! That's got a nice feel to it. :Lapse. Zapp: Captain's journal: Star date, 3000.3. Kif: Who are you talking to, sir? Zapp: You! Aren't you getting this? sighs and scurries to a typing machine. Zapp dictates. We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner ... ravioli, ham, sundae bar. :['''Cut to': Ships Cockpit. The crew see the Nimbus through the windscreen.]'' Leela: Hey, look! That's Zapp Brannigan's ship. Fry: Wow! The Zapp Brannigan? Leela: Uh-huh! Fry: Who's the Zapp Brannigan? :['''Cut to': Nimbus Bridge. Zapp and Kif watch the ship approach.]'' Kif: Shall I fire on them now, sir? Zapp: Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces. sighs. What? :['''Cut to': Ships Cockpit.]'' Leela: They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octillian System from a horde of rampaging Killbots. Fry: Wow! Bender: A grim day for robot-kind. Ah, but we can always build more Killbots! Leela: He's the most decorated captain in the whole Democratic Order of Planets. Fry: teasing Leela's got a boyfriend! Leela: No I don't. But I think we ought to meet with him and see if he'll help us rescue those animals. Bender: Well, just in case you guys hit it off, you'll wanna take this with you. holds up the fork. :['''Cut to': Nimbus Bridge.]'' Kif: Sir, they're headed straight for us. Zapp: A well-calculated move straight out of 's classic text , or my own masterwork: Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War. holds up the book with a picture of him on the front. But the one thing their captain doesn't realise and never will is that-- Kif: Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard. Zapp: Then I have risked all and lost. Kif, old man, I'll be in the escape pod. gets up and heads for the door. If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter, have it sent to my P.O. box. :door opens and the Planet Express crew walk in. Zapp screams and hides behind a chair. Leela looks around and sees Kif. Leela: Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express delivery ship. We've come aboard to plead for your assistance. Kif: Well, if there's anything-- :jumps in front of Kif. Zapp: I'm in command here. Zapp Brannigan. Has my fame preceded me or was I too quick for you? Leela: Oh, not at all. I'm just so, uh, really thrilled to meet you! Zapp: You're an impressive piece of captain. Beautiful and deadly -- a potent combination. Leela: flattered You don't mean that! Zapp: But I do. I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier. :takes her hand and Fry leans in. Fry: I heard that one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something-something-system. Zapp: The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply a matter of outsmarting them. Fry: Wow! I never would have thought of that! Zapp: You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown. Kif, show them the medal I won. sighs and points to a medal on Zapp's uniform. :['''Scene': Nimbus Mess Hall. Leela, Zapp, Fry and Bender sit at a table, looking down at the rest of the crew who are eating. Kif grates cheese over Zapp's food.]'' Zapp: More, please. grates. A little more ... more ... keep going. :carries on. Leela: Captain Brannigan, we really need to talk to you about our mission. Zapp: Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men? :raises his glass to the crew. Crewman: shouting You suck! Leela: We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6 from extinction. And if you could just-- :spits out his drink. Zapp: Vergon 6? This light dinner is over. Leela: Wait! What's wrong? Zapp: The Democratic Order of Planets prohibits interfering with undeveloped worlds. It's a little rule known as "Brannigan's Law". Leela: But people already interfered. That planet was mined completely hollow. Zapp: Yes, by a Democratic Order of Planets mining crew. Leela: This doesn't make any sense. Zapp: I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it. Leela: Fine! We'll save the animals without your help. Zapp: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards! :grab Leela, Fry and Bender. Fry: What just happened? Bender: He's throwing us in prison. :sighs. Fry: Dang! Can I get this wrapped up? :holds up his plate and Zapp nods. :['''Scene': Nimbus Brig. Leela touches the force field around the doorway and gets electrocuted.]'' Leela: Ow! I might've liked Zapp Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison. Bender: You really are too picky. :['''Scene': Nimbus Corridor.]'' Zapp: Kif, follow me up to the observation deck. I've got some musing to do. :climbs a ladder and Kif accidentally looks up his skirt. Kif: Oh, jeez! :['''Scene': Nimbus Observation Deck. Zapp looks out through the dome window.]'' Zapp: I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions? Kif: I fail to see any problem, sir. You already imprisoned her under directive B-10.8-1. Zapp: You mean Brannigan's Law? Kif: Right, that law. Zapp: Which one? :sighs. Kif: Brannigan's Law. Zapp: Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend but you've earned my contempt once again. As my protégé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. sighs. This time we are sure she's a woman, right? Kif: Yes. Zapp: Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh, and have the boy lay out my formal shorts. Kif: "The boy", sir? Zapp: You. You lay out my formal shorts. :disappears down the ladder. :['''Scene': Nimbus Corridor. Kif walks past crewmembers with Leela following him.]'' Kif: The jackass wants to see you in his quarters. Leela: Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain. Kif: And he wants you to wear this. :holds up a skimpy little outfit. Leela ignores it and knocks on Zapp's door. Zapp: from inside Come and get it! :['''Cut to': Zapp's Quarters. The doors open and Leela walks in. The room is filled with candles and red furnishings. Zapp lies on his hovering heart-shaped bed under a huge portrait of himself that is similar to 's official portrait of .]'' Zapp: Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in? Leela: I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer. Zapp: Well I have studied abroad. Or two! :laughs. Leela fakes a laugh and throws her champagne on the floor while Zapp isn't looking. Leela: Captain-- Zapp: Uh-huh? Leela: If we could speak seriously for a moment-- Zapp: Uh-huh? Leela: I'd like you to reconsider letting us rescue those animals. Zapp: Mm-hm. moves the bed closer to Leela. Leela pulls the plug out of the socket and the bed falls to the floor. I like your style. I find it very... (whispering) erotic. Leela: What? Zapp: shouting Erotic! :['''Cut to': Kif's Quarters. Zapp's words echo around the ship. Kif gets frustrated and bangs the ceiling with a broom handle.]'' :['''Scene': Nimbus Brig. Fry and Bender are still inside.]'' Fry: We can definitely escape, Bender. All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe. Bender: Hey, yeah! :bends the hatch off and the steam rushes out of it and starts filling the room. Fry: No good! It's full of steam! :['''Scene': Zapp's Quarters. Leela impatiently paces back and forth.]'' Zapp: You look like a woman who enjoys the finer things. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread. Leela: I'm not really in the mood. Zapp: Leela, it's real velour. Just let yourself go. :rolls over onto his back. Leela: Can I please just go back to prison? Zapp: You'd rather sit in prison than spend one evening with the Zapper? Leela: Much rather! starts to cry. What are you doing? Zapp: crying Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry. Just go. You want the rest of the sham-pag-in? Leela: No. And it's pronounced "sham-pane". Zapp: crying Oh, God, no! Leela: It's not a big deal. Zapp: crying I get so lonely. I just thought you, a fellow captain, would understand. Leela: Oh, forget it. Zapp: crying Yeah, it's great ordering people around and stuff but through it all you're completely alone. Leela: It comes with the job. Zapp: crying I'm just so lonely! :cries more. Leela: Oh, come on. Cheer up. It's not that bad. :['''Scene': Nimbus Brig. The room is still full of steam.]'' Fry: You wanna try escaping again? Bender: Nah, I'm comfy. :are wearing towels enjoying the steam room they've created. Fry: Man, Leela's been gone a long time. I hope she's at least making progress with Zapp Brannigan. :['''Cut to': Zapp's Quarters. The morning after the night before... Leela wakes up. She turns her head and sees she's lying in Zapp's bed. With him. He is still asleep and has a big grin on his face. She screams.]'' :Lapse. Leela has dressed, minus her boots which she is carrying while sneaking out. Zapp wakes up. Zapp: Good morning, lover. Leela: Uh, listen, Zapp. Zapp: Now you're officially my woman. Kudos! I can't say I don't envy you. Leela: Zapp, last night was a mistake. Zapp: A sexy mistake. Leela: No, just a regular mistake. For a split second my common sense was overwhelmed by pity. :laughs. Zapp: A split second is all it takes. That's why sooner or later you'll come crawling back to the Zapper. Leela: The only kind of crawling I'm doing to you is away ... from! Zapp: Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused. Leela: Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not. Zapp: Go ahead. I won't stop you. Leela: Threaten all you-- Wait. What? Zapp: We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy ... bam! :points at his crotch. Leela: Eurgh! :storms out. Zapp chuckles. Zapp: shouting Kif! :appears in the doorway. Kif: Yes-- groans and looks away. Zapp is standing up holding the bed sheet over his crotch. Yes, Captain? Zapp: I have made it with a woman. Inform the men. :['''Scene': Nimbus Brig. Kif lets Fry and Bender out of the cell.]'' Kif: The fatso says you're free to go. Fry: Really? Why? Kif: quietly "Why" indeed. :looks at Leela then walks off. Fry: What does that mean? Leela: defensively Nothing. Bender: So should we get our stuff and head down to the planet? Leela: defensively We just talked, OK?! :['''Scene': The ship flies down to Vergon 6, through the green cloudy sky. The planet is surreal and Dali-like.]'' :['''Scene': Vergon 6 Surface. Leela, Fry and Bender stand beside the ship with large nets.]'' Leela: Alright, we don't have much time to collect these animals. The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately two hours ago. :['''Montage': The crew hunt for the animals. First, Bender tries to find the purple fruit snake but it finds him first and eats him. He stands up inside the snake and drags it back to the ship. Fry tries to get the Windy Shrimp but it blows him away. Leela tries to get the Four-Legged Mimic which looks like a horse but copies people's heads and movements. Fry holds a net and tries to decide which one is the mimic. Leela points at the mimic and it points back at her. Fry looks ... and throws the net over Leela. Later, Leela ticks off the final animal on the checklist.]'' :Lapse. The checklist is filled. A small animal comes out from behind some plants. It is mostly black, has one huge nostril in the middle of it's face and a three eyes, one of them on a long stalk coming out of the middle of it's head. Leela: Hello, there. animal sniffs around Leela's feet. Hmm. He doesn't seem to be on the checklist. Bender: So, you're saying we can cook him? Fry: Yeah, a barbecue! I'll wear my hilarious apron. Leela: No! I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not cooking him. picks the thing up. Aww! I'll call him Nibbler. Bender: Aww! (whispering to Fry) I'll fire up the grill! :Lapse. Leela: I hope he'll be OK in there with all those big animals. :['''Scene': Ships Cargo Bay. Leela opens the outer door, puts him in and closes it. The other animals surround Nibbler. He sniffs at them and then eats one whole.]'' :['''Scene': Nimbus Observation Deck. Zapp looks at Leela through a telescope.]'' Zapp: Y'know, Kif, once my woman returns I won't have much time to hang out with the boys anymore. Kif: That's a shame, sir. Zapp: So let's make the most of our time together, shall we? sit in silence. Never mind. Just give me a back rub. :['''Scene': Vergon 6 Surface. Bender carries a two-headed flamingo.]'' Bender: I found a pair of hermaphlamingos. Leela: Good. That's the last species. :['''Scene': Ships Cargo Bay. The crew look inside and gasp in horror. Nibbler sits in the empty room.]'' Bender: Hey. What the--? Fry: Where'd they all go? :eats the Hermaphlamingos, making lots of disgusting noises. The crew watch and cringe. Leela: Nibbler! Fry: I can't believe we flew halfway across the galaxy and enjoyed a steam just to get lunch for that stupid animal! Bender: He's pending for a bending. :rolls up his sleeves and chases Nibbler. He runs to Leela and she picks him up. Leela: Leave him alone. It's not his fault that he's an unstoppable killing machine. Is it, snoogums? :ground shakes, rocking the ship. Fry: The planet's kerploding! :['''Cut to': Vergon 6 Surface. Fry runs out through a door and falls through the ground. Bender reaches into the hole and pulls him back up.]'' :['''Cut to': Ships Cockpit.]'' Leela: Prepare for lift-off. turns the key in the ignition but the engine doesn't start. The fuel gauge reads empty. We're out of fuel. Bender, I told you to fill the tank before we left. Bender: Yeah, I'll do it when we get back. :ground shakes again. Fry: Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby. Leela: No way! Forget it! I refuse to go crawling back to him! Fry: What? What are you talking about? Leela: defensively Nothing. We just talked. Bender: So what's your problem? It's not like you slept with him. hangs her head in shame. Oh, my God! Fry: How could you, Leela? I thought you had some standards. I mean, jeez, he's a dumb, gross gorilla! Leela: That's enough! Don't you think I feel bad enough already? Fry: No! :ground shakes violently. Leela: Alright, alright. I'll call him. presses a button and the videophone comes down. I mean, if living is that important to you. :['''Scene': Nimbus Bridge.]'' Zapp: And that's why you'll never make captain, Kif. Message" repeatedly flashes on the viewscreen. Hmm. :face appears. Leela: screen Hello, Zapp? Zapp: Well, well, well! :['''Cut to': Ships Cockpit.]'' Leela: Zapp, we're out of fuel... :['''Cut to': Nimbus Bridge.]'' Leela: screen ...and Vergon 6 is about to implode. We need your help. Zapp: So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious. Leela: screen Bird's don't crawl. Zapp: They've been known to. :['''Cut to': Ships Cockpit.]'' Leela: Look, are you going to rescue us or not? Zapp: screen Can't you ask a little more ... sexfully? :and Bender make encouraging gestures at Leela. Leela: sexfully Please? :['''Cut to': Nimbus Bridge.]'' Leela: on screen Big Z? Zapp: Certainly. But first you'll have to get rid of that thing. points at Nibbler That's the law, Leela. And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: Hard and fast! :['''Cut to': Ships Cockpit.]'' Zapp: screen Now put that greasy rat outside and we'll tow you to safety. Leela: I would never abandon a helpless animal. Y'know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then I realised that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realise that outside that child is a big, pompous buffoon! Zapp: screen And which one rocked your world? :growls and slams down the receiver and his face fizzles off the screen. Fry: Wow! Way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan? Leela: Uh, I guess to sit here and wait for death. Bender: Can do! :puts his feet up and reclines in his chair. There is a huge bang and the ship jerks backwards. Bender: What the hell was that? :['''Scene': Ships Cargo Bay. There is a big, round, black blob in Nibbler's litter tray.]'' Fry: Pew! :fans the air in front of his nose. Leela: I don't believe it! It's dark matter. Bender: So this guy just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel? Leela: His species must've filled the entire planet with it. Did you do that, you cute little-- ship shakes again. Come on. That should be more than enough fuel to get us outta here. Bender, pick it up and put it in the engine. :mutters to himself and drags the dark matter across the floor towards the engine room. :['''Cut to': Ships Engine Room. Bender throws the dark matter into the furnace.]'' :['''Cut to': Ships Cockpit. The fuel gauge fills up, Leela throttles forward and the ship lifts off, moments before the ground collapses. They fly away from the planet and it explodes. The crew cheer.]'' Leela: We made it! looks through a pair of binoculars. And some of the animals survived. :looks through the binoculars and sees some animals standing on a tiny fragment of rock. Bender: So a couple of animals didn't die and Leela got lucky. That's what I call a successful mission! Fry: We're heroes! :['''Scene': Leela's Quarters. Leela writes in her diary. Nibbler lies on her lap and she strokes him.]'' Leela: thinking Dear Captain's Diary: I may not have found love on this mission but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel. And that's just as good. :pauses for a moment then tears the page out, screws it up and throws it in the bin. :['''Scene': Outside Nimbus.]'' Zapp: inside Captain's journal: Star date ... uh. :sighs. Kif: inside April 13th. Zapp: inside April 13th ... point two. :['''Cut to': Nimbus Bridge.]'' Zapp: We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? Kif, I'm asking you a question! :sighs. :Credits. Category:Season One Scripts Category:Transcripts Category:Episode Transcripts